It’s Time to Eliminate the Word “Desperate”

Is it desperate to actively search for a new job when you need one? Is it desperate to get a gym membership because you want to improve your health? I hope the unanimous answer to this is “No, of course not”. It is never desperate to do your part in making positive things in your life happen. So, why is that when someone is open about their readiness for marriage, and open about the actions they want to take to search for a spouse, they are labeled “desperate?”

This label angers me in so many ways. Nobody should ever feel bad or be shamed for acknowledging their desire to have a life partner. I have heard this all too many times when speaking to my Blend Matching clients. They express their fear that if someone finds out they’re using a matrimonial service, everyone will think they’re desperate. It has even gone so far that I have had strangers message me telling me that by providing this service I am “trying to capitalize off of peoples desperation”. I know, its insane.

There are a million and one reasons why this term is so damaging and this logic so flawed. In the era of motivational statements and memes running rampant, and the times of encouraging others to do anything they want, why is finding a spouse an exclusion?

We shouldn’t teach people that being proactive about finding a life partner makes them less-than in any way. On the contrary, we should be motivating each other to take action! If you feel like you’re ready to have a life partner, what are you waiting for? Trust me, they won’t fall into your lap.

I think this label of “desperate” stems from it being socially unacceptable to ask for help. For many, asking for help is like admitting you couldn’t do it on your own, or that you mustn’t be desirable enough for suitors to come knocking down your door. And for others, asking for help brings about a vulnerability, of letting someone know of your hopes and wants. Whatever the reason may be, it’s not true. Asking for help comes from a place of self-awareness and self-assuredness. It means you’ve thought about what you want, and have found tools to aid you in getting there. Asking for help means you’re smart and know that anything worth having takes effort. Asking for help shows your sincerity in wanting to create a life with someone.

In this day and age with Muslims being so few and far between, we don’t cross paths with potential spouses every day. If the person for you isn’t in your network, wouldn't it be amazing to tap into new networks? Like that of our friends and family, or even of a professional? But how can we do that without putting ourselves out there and letting people know “hey, I feel ready to meet someone. Let me know if you know someone that could be a good match for me.” or, by taking a further step and signing up for a professional service. You’ll thank yourself for it. At the very least, you’ll feel empowered knowing you took charge of your marriage process.

So, once and for all, can we eliminate the word “desperate”?

Hoda Abrahim